|The Stream Has Run Its Course.
||[Jul. 28th, 2007|10:08 pm]
The time has come to end this Livejournal. No, I am not deleting it yet; I need to preserve many of these entries elsewhere. However, as a chronicle of the last two years of my high school education, and most of the more personal stuff that went with it, it is finished. Around January, reader will note that my entries became more often moody than not, and towards the end became sometimes downright angry or depressing. A great deal of this came from my infatuation with a girl who could never understand that I felt for her, my own inability to firmly communicate how I felt for her, and how that created this Monster out of me, made from the black stuff of pent-up rage and sadness. Coupled with the presence of some other detracting incidents and people, I nearly exploded and came nearly to finally turning against the people who were actually my friends. But no. It turned out I was stronger!
It all started not too long after my previous entry. Being much my miserable self, I stayed at home a lot. That meant getting on the Net a lot, too, but one night around the beginning of May, I decided to let out my anger at someone, and not here on this Livejournal. I can't begin to describe how great the Net is when it comes to granting pure anonymity, but even so, I rarely attack people on message boards or IMs. That is just retarded. So what I did instead was select people I didn't care so much for off my Buddy List and write exactly how I felt about them. I did this for someone I knew from two years back, and after I felt like I had said what I always wanted to say, I merely deleted the message. Remember, the idea was just to release the anger, not actually attack a person. I know, it seems cowardly, but my objective was not to lash out. I'm not gothic or emo...normal people deal with frustration and angst by just letting it out suddenly...not moping over it for months and making a lifestyle out of it. But I get off topic.
Anyway, I did not feel better after that first release. My mind was telling me I had more anger, more rage, than I had unleashed on the first person. I did not dislike that person enough to trigger a full response. So I looked on the list for others. And I only found one person suitable. I've communicated with her sporadically recently, but we were much closer (at least to me) way back in 2002 when I envisioned her as someone ethereal, but beautiful. A kind of rare person for this world with lots of wit and prospects. But years later, she was not the same. She didn't have much of a future, what with being sick and drinking lots of the time. Even the beauty was disappearing. Granted, she still had a lot of wit and brains, but I wondered how long it would last. And then it struck me; logically, I knew change is a part of life, and plenty of people change often for the worse. It is not correct for me to judge them or to say they should live a certain way just because it seems right to me. But that night, I had to get rid of my anger. If I did not, it would eat me alive and make me into something I would rather not think about. So there I was, looking at the name of someone repulsive to me; someone, though, who was once actually attractive to me. And that made me sick, that I could have fallen for such a lowly wretch. My brain was not thinking logically, so I instinctively went for the IM button like before and began typing an angry tirade, lashing out and berating my old friend for what she had become. I don't care to reproduce any part of it, but it was effective enough. I made it detailed, too. I even mentioned Allison. I was running on pure passion, my anger goading me on to write more to slander the piece of nothing that I once knew. I could feel better with each keystroke, for my words were harsh and biting.
And then I was done.
But I was still feeling the leftovers of that rush. My senses tingled. I felt like a wolf on the prowl, and I had just ferociously mauled worthy prey. But now it was over; the wolf was fed, and could go to sleep. So I re-read those words gleefully, knowing they fulfilled their objective. Then, I moved to close the window and leave things at that.
Except, my pinky finger flexed sporadically one last time over the keyboard, and it just so happened it was right over the "Enter" key, and it thus hit it, sending the hate-laden message to the owner of that screen-name.
I could only stare, wide-eyed, in the horror of what I had done. In my rage, I lost temporary control, and I had sent that rage through the Net to its recipient! As I sat there dumbfounded, hundreds of miles away to the east and south, that girl was reading my tirade, absorbing my disgust for her, drinking in my old hatred, and it partly consumed her, too. By now, I snapped out of it. I deleted her off my list, blocked her, did everything possible to hide...indeed, in the aftermath, I was a coward. But that didn't stop her. Fueled by my former rage, she launched a counter-strike against me in the form of her own critique of my rant. But I ignored it. I never read it. By that time, my old sense returned to me and I realized what is done is done. What I did needed to be done. Though my action of actually sending the message was regrettable, I could not take it back in any way. So I have a new enemy out there, one far more sinister than my purported original foe, Liz R., but no matter. My enemies don't scare me so much anymore since I made an important realization that should have been obvious: I have friends.
And not just one or two. I have several. First and foremost there is Tyler, my oldest friend and like a brother to me. Then there is Erin, who in my cloud of former rage I had misjudged, and has been the female friend I always dreamed of. Then there are the myriad of other friends, like the Elamirs, Kale, Benjamin, Parth, London, Winfield, Eric, Ryan, Jeff, Robert...
The list goes on. I stand by them. They stand by me. I know I can survive in college, for despite being far from my family, my friends will step in to do the job.
I no longer fear. Even not having a girlfriend, and my ability to relinquish the crush I had on Allison, has not phased me. Ever since I lashed out at the start of May, I have felt more positive, more happy. Life has brightened for me, though nothing specifically great has happened (well, graduation was pretty great, but I always knew that would happen one day).
I am whole!
And the darkness cannot stand before me...or us!