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The Stream Has Run Its Course. [Jul. 28th, 2007|10:08 pm]
[mood |Supremely triumphant]

The time has come to end this Livejournal. No, I am not deleting it yet; I need to preserve many of these entries elsewhere. However, as a chronicle of the last two years of my high school education, and most of the more personal stuff that went with it, it is finished. Around January, reader will note that my entries became more often moody than not, and towards the end became sometimes downright angry or depressing. A great deal of this came from my infatuation with a girl who could never understand that I felt for her, my own inability to firmly communicate how I felt for her, and how that created this Monster out of me, made from the black stuff of pent-up rage and sadness. Coupled with the presence of some other detracting incidents and people, I nearly exploded and came nearly to finally turning against the people who were actually my friends. But no. It turned out I was stronger!

It all started not too long after my previous entry. Being much my miserable self, I stayed at home a lot. That meant getting on the Net a lot, too, but one night around the beginning of May, I decided to let out my anger at someone, and not here on this Livejournal. I can't begin to describe how great the Net is when it comes to granting pure anonymity, but even so, I rarely attack people on message boards or IMs. That is just retarded. So what I did instead was select people I didn't care so much for off my Buddy List and write exactly how I felt about them. I did this for someone I knew from two years back, and after I felt like I had said what I always wanted to say, I merely deleted the message. Remember, the idea was just to release the anger, not actually attack a person. I know, it seems cowardly, but my objective was not to lash out. I'm not gothic or emo...normal people deal with frustration and angst by just letting it out suddenly...not moping over it for months and making a lifestyle out of it. But I get off topic.

Anyway, I did not feel better after that first release. My mind was telling me I had more anger, more rage, than I had unleashed on the first person. I did not dislike that person enough to trigger a full response. So I looked on the list for others. And I only found one person suitable. I've communicated with her sporadically recently, but we were much closer (at least to me) way back in 2002 when I envisioned her as someone ethereal, but beautiful. A kind of rare person for this world with lots of wit and prospects. But years later, she was not the same. She didn't have much of a future, what with being sick and drinking lots of the time. Even the beauty was disappearing. Granted, she still had a lot of wit and brains, but I wondered how long it would last. And then it struck me; logically, I knew change is a part of life, and plenty of people change often for the worse. It is not correct for me to judge them or to say they should live a certain way just because it seems right to me. But that night, I had to get rid of my anger. If I did not, it would eat me alive and make me into something I would rather not think about. So there I was, looking at the name of someone repulsive to me; someone, though, who was once actually attractive to me. And that made me sick, that I could have fallen for such a lowly wretch. My brain was not thinking logically, so I instinctively went for the IM button like before and began typing an angry tirade, lashing out and berating my old friend for what she had become. I don't care to reproduce any part of it, but it was effective enough. I made it detailed, too. I even mentioned Allison. I was running on pure passion, my anger goading me on to write more to slander the piece of nothing that I once knew. I could feel better with each keystroke, for my words were harsh and biting.

And then I was done.

But I was still feeling the leftovers of that rush. My senses tingled. I felt like a wolf on the prowl, and I had just ferociously mauled worthy prey. But now it was over; the wolf was fed, and could go to sleep. So I re-read those words gleefully, knowing they fulfilled their objective. Then, I moved to close the window and leave things at that.

Except, my pinky finger flexed sporadically one last time over the keyboard, and it just so happened it was right over the "Enter" key, and it thus hit it, sending the hate-laden message to the owner of that screen-name.

I could only stare, wide-eyed, in the horror of what I had done. In my rage, I lost temporary control, and I had sent that rage through the Net to its recipient! As I sat there dumbfounded, hundreds of miles away to the east and south, that girl was reading my tirade, absorbing my disgust for her, drinking in my old hatred, and it partly consumed her, too. By now, I snapped out of it. I deleted her off my list, blocked her, did everything possible to hide...indeed, in the aftermath, I was a coward. But that didn't stop her. Fueled by my former rage, she launched a counter-strike against me in the form of her own critique of my rant. But I ignored it. I never read it. By that time, my old sense returned to me and I realized what is done is done. What I did needed to be done. Though my action of actually sending the message was regrettable, I could not take it back in any way. So I have a new enemy out there, one far more sinister than my purported original foe, Liz R., but no matter. My enemies don't scare me so much anymore since I made an important realization that should have been obvious: I have friends.

And not just one or two. I have several. First and foremost there is Tyler, my oldest friend and like a brother to me. Then there is Erin, who in my cloud of former rage I had misjudged, and has been the female friend I always dreamed of. Then there are the myriad of other friends, like the Elamirs, Kale, Benjamin, Parth, London, Winfield, Eric, Ryan, Jeff, Robert...

The list goes on. I stand by them. They stand by me. I know I can survive in college, for despite being far from my family, my friends will step in to do the job.

I no longer fear. Even not having a girlfriend, and my ability to relinquish the crush I had on Allison, has not phased me. Ever since I lashed out at the start of May, I have felt more positive, more happy. Life has brightened for me, though nothing specifically great has happened (well, graduation was pretty great, but I always knew that would happen one day).

I am whole!
And the darkness cannot stand before me...or us!
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April 24 [Apr. 24th, 2007|03:43 pm]
[mood |angstry]

Goddamnit, I'll admit it. I hate the fact that I have never had a girlfriend and probably never will. I hate that I am too ugly for most decent girls' tastes. I hate it when people look at me and all they see is a "smart person." Well, there is more to me than a stupid brain! In college, others will see me for who I really am because most people at Carnegie Mellon will be at least twice as smart as I am. So there; I stick it to society once more.

Erin is becoming a Kristen clone. Despite the retraction of my earlier remark, I still find Joni pathetic. Fixed my friendship with Norah, but discovered an ugly truth. She marred our friendship for the sake of a joke! A joke! A JOKE! JOKEJOKEJOKEJOKEJOKE!!! Now we are nice; but will our friendship ever be the same? Oh Allison, only you could make my day brighter, but in the end, you'll find another day to make darker.
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April 12 [Apr. 12th, 2007|04:55 pm]
[mood |calmcalm]

A bit regretful about that remark I made about Joni. She took me for a ride around the city yesterday. Maybe it is all in my head, and I suffer from some sociological disorder. Erin's hair looked really pretty today.

Went back to eat lunch with Farrah and Norah. Same old, same old. Now, I think Norah deliberately doesn't want to speak to me. She didn't even say good-bye when school was over.

I think I have lost a friend.
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April 11 [Apr. 11th, 2007|07:07 pm]
[mood |streaming]

Nice weather again. Sat with Erin and her friends. Said next to nothing, as usual. They curse and make crude jokes, and I will laugh. They laughed when I lied to a survey-man who was asking me about my music player. Lady from DeVry University wore no underwear; very easy to tell.

Still cannot relate to Erin very well. Don't see how she calls me "friend." I'm not hardcore enough to fit in with her type, and I'm too low-class for Allison's type. What gives?

Joni is an impudent strumpet and a hypocrite. Never trust doctor's children. All arrogant; all stuck up. All fanatics to their religion.
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Oh, the Agony! [Mar. 23rd, 2007|08:30 pm]
[Current Location |My room]
[mood |cynicalcynical]
[music |Sad Medley - Depeche Mode, Duran Duran, Tears for Fears,etc]

I feel really sad. I am aware that, as usual, a part of me is very angry as well, but like always, I hold it in. My sadness stems from the realization of my poor, unattractive personality. For many months, I had been slowly building up my ego, daring to think for the first time in my life, people were seeing me for who I really was, not just as convenient help or supply store. I thought I was building up good relationships with people I would have never tried to with before, especially Allison, but I guess I went totally wrong there as well.

Tomorrow is prom, the last dance of my high school days. Aside from the very stupid fact that it is still March and we are not graduating until May 25, this is already silly enough. But if anybody out there has been reading this blog long enough, they know well that I have asked out Allison many times throughout the year. I like her, but they dates were intended to be friendly; I had no intentions of a relationship at this critical juncture of our lives. But she rejected me; she would not go with me to Homecoming because she wanted to have fun on her own with her friends. OK, I grant her that. School had barely started, and she did not know me all that well yet. Then came the rejection for the Honoree Ball. All of sudden, she decided she would rather go with someone she had some "history" with, and wished me "no hard feelings." That was a pretty hard blow, but once again, I decided it meant little, since I am sure her parents wanted her to go with Brian because he was from a richer family, was sure not to have any real amorous interest in Allison, and because he actually has a religion. I also felt that Allison, knowing she had rejected me twice already (and now that we were already good friends), would find the kindness within her to finally reward my patience and aid with one small date. To reinforce this notion, we exchanged Valentines, and for Allison, I gave one her a portrait of herself. She loved it. Or, at least, she did in the written word.

Knowing prom was on the way, I finally decided to test the waters and see if she would go on a casual date with me; dance lessons at the local recreation. Much to my chagrin, she claimed she would love to, but could not due to her busy weekend schedule throughout the rest of the school year. She said, "Thanks for asking!"

It was only a week or so later that I discovered Brian would once again have the immense honor of taking her to prom!

Fury came over me. This seemed like a swipe at me; or did Allison really like Brian? Then I remembered. How long I have been a loser; an "unman." Unhandsome. Unlucky. Unliked. Brian is smarter than me, more handsome than I am, more witty than me, and better at tennis. Not to mention he comes from a doctor's family. No wonder I lose. Why should Allison settle for less when she could have Brian, who is virtually an Alexander 2.0?

Even then, I had a sliver of hope. Brian still isn't all that interested in her, though I have seen signs of him being very friendly and humorous around her (moreso than with me). I figured I could still get the chance of at least being able to dance with Allison, or hang out with her, or something. If not, I could always hang out with pal Zack, who goes to these dances just to scope out the crowds and laugh at antics. But no. This time, he is actually going on a date! A date! Zack, who loves laughing at the ditzy hot girls, not dancing with them! And he is going with Chelsea, Allison's friend, to prom! Worse, the two girls have planned a little pre-prom get together. Just Allison, Chelsea, and their dates. Zack and Brian. I am very happy for Zack. I've watched him warm up to Chelsea over the months, and for a guy that's been a bachelor with no real flings with anybody, I am glad he is stepping up to the plate. And with a girl already in a relationship with a guy in college, too! Good old Zack! Zack has been my friend for a long time. We work together and do a lot of stuff. Zack himself even called us an unbeatable team. And now Allison and Chelsea have drawn him to pre-prom dinner at Jalepeno Tree. The four of them.


Why Allison? And why does she still act nicely around me? Why the charade? Is this what they meant when they said white people were cruel, two-faced liars? Allison can't be one of those! She is so beautiful and kind! She would never stoop to the evils of someone like Elizabeth, or....arggggggh.

Then that little arrogant coward wench Joni wants me to come to that pre-prom "fiesta" at Catie's house. Sure, I can hang around and watch all the happy, frivilous people flit about stuffing their face with Mexican food and taking pictures. Well I hope they get a picture of my smiling face!

So I won't be able to hang out with Zack because he'll be tied up with Chelsea. Tyler, of course, shall be with Ashton. Tyler will say hi and we'll talk, but my previous understanding will let him be. This is not new. There are Zack's sisters, my friends Farrah and Norah, but they will probably be too busy talking to all their other friends.

So I will be left alone, as I always am. Hanging out with the other solo dudes. But at least they came willingly. They haven't done what I have done over the course of many months!

Tomorrow is going to be a bad day.
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Reliving the Past [Mar. 9th, 2007|10:15 pm]
Back when ABC showed some quality Saturday morning cartoons, one of my favorites things to do was watch a television show called ReBoot. Basically, it was the first 3D, computer-animated television show. And, incidentally enough, it was about the life of computer simulations (called Sprites and Binomes) inside the computer city of Mainframe. The story primarily revolved around the Guardian Sprite Bob, who had come from the 'Net to Mainframe in order "to mend and defend" the city from the evil viruses, Megabyte and Hexadecimal; Dot and Enzo Matrix helped Bob in these quests. Also, there was the intermittent threat of the User inputing games into the system. Therefore, Bob spent a lot of time in these "game cubes" in order to defeat the User and keep innocent Binomes and Sprites from being "nullified" (in the showed, this means being turned into a little colorful slug).

As a child, I recall watching a good bit of the first season and even half of the second season. It is now known that my bout of pneumonia caused me to miss the latter, more important half of the second season. As such, I have recently utilized YouTube to re-watch all my favorite episodes as well as the ones I never saw as a child. As a result, I have discovered a rich and complex story that has enthralled me as any I have read in recent times. And I have only watched everything through the third season. Apparently, there is a fourth season to watch as well, and I have the eight episodes (two movies, "Daemon Rising" and "My Two Bobs") on the Netflix queue.

This is a great show. Kids love it. Adults love it. The style is awesome; the story is gripping and keeps your attention. Plus, lots of nice comedy is inserted to lightened the oft-dark mood (especially in the third season). I am sad to say that they never made any more ReBoot episodes after 2001's "My Two Bobs," despite a growing movement that persists in trying to revive the series.

I can't wait for those DVDs to arrive. Then, everything really will be "alphanumeric!"
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Kanly Report 2 [Feb. 23rd, 2007|10:15 pm]
I knew that the enemy, Elizabeth, played tennis. Even so, I was most shocked to see her dressed in team colors on MY school's tennis court today as I walked to the parking lot. There was a big tennis tournament today, so a lot of schools were represented. Due to the nature of the situation, I could only look at that wench and seethe; the day is coming when we shall meet and battle. It is only a matter of time, now.
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The Robot Series [Feb. 17th, 2007|09:07 pm]
[music |Spin Doctors - Two Princes]

Throughout my adolescence, I have read many novels and stories from the late Isaac Asimov. It all started in the 6th grade with a short story named "Nightfall". In the anthology it was a part of it, it had been selected by a convention of science-fiction authors as the greatest science fiction story up to that point. Intrigued, I read it and was amazed. This was only the beginning, and my father pointed me to Asimov's other great works. I then turned to the novel Prelude to Foundation, the first book in an epic series about the future of mankind. Over the course of two years, I managed to read all seven books in his story about a society developed by a great mathematician named Hari Seldon, designed to insure the creation of a new Galactic Empire to replace the decaying, old one that had stood for 12,000 years.

At the time, they were my favorite books. But they were only part of a much larger story, a whole "future history of mankind." As I soon found out, the Foundation Series was only the last of three big chunks of history: the Robot Era and the Empire Era.

The Empire novels were a measly trilogy, so I wasn't too terribly interested in them off the bat. But the Robot novels were really cool-sounding. Unfortunately, I had none of these novels, and stayed ignorant of their stories until January of this year, in which I bought all four from a used book dealer. They are The Caves of Steel, The Naked Sun, The Robots of Dawn, and Robots and Empire. Today I finished R&E, thus concluding another Asimov masterpiece.

The premise is simple. 3000 years from now, two inventions have changed the course of human history: the positronic brain, useful in artificially-intelligent robots, and the hyperatomic drive, which was used to take mankind to the stars.

At first, people from Earth spread quickly to new planets, bringing their robots to help tame the savage worlds. Over the centuries, lack of better hyperspatial engines and suddenly increased lifespans brought on by robotic assistance and a lack of microorganisms, the "Spacers" felt content with their 50 worlds, and shunned their Mother Earth.

Back on Earth, the remaining 8 billion people were content to end hyperspatial expansion and cluster in huge Cities ("with a capital C") that contained roughly 20 million people each and built underground. Nicknamed "the Caves of Steel," these are the wombs of humanity. And it is in one, New York, that the first story takes place. The main characters are New York police detective Elijah Baley and his very human-seeming robot partner, Daneel Olivaw. Together, Baley and Olivaw solve some of the biggest murder mysteries of the day. Baley, distrustful of all robots and their Spacer superiors, has to learn to get along with Daneel. Plus, although the first book is a simple murder mystery, Baley eventually learns there are greater things at stake; most importantly, the question as to who will inherit the Galaxy: Earthmen or Spacers?

That latter theme grows in importance in each book, finally culminating in R&E, which takes place 160 years after the death of Elijah Baley. Daneel thinks more like a man than a machine, and realizes that the survival of humanity is paramount to the survival of any one individual. And for humanity to survive, Daneel must accept the role of protector...but as to how that develops, and the nature of each book's plot, I suggest you read them. And after that, go read the Galactic Empire novels(which I plan to do): The Stars, Like Dust, The Currents of Space, and Pebble in the Sky. And then, to find out the end of it all, read all the Foundation novels. You won't be disappointed.

Here is a quote from The Naked Sun to arouse your curiosity.

"He lifted his head and he could see through all the steel and concrete and humanity above him. He could see the becon set in space to lure men outward. He could see it shining down.
The naked sun!"
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Valentine's Day [Feb. 15th, 2007|06:34 pm]
That was the best Valentine's Day I have had in years. Allison and I exchanged Valentine's (cheesy, yes), and it would seem nothing much came of it. It was later that day that I got a message from her thanking me for what she called, "the best vday-bday gift I've ever gotten!" What was it? No less than the portrait I drew of her on the last night of 2006.

I worry for my friendly relations with two other girls, however. Erin, my lab partner, is distressed over Kristen's continued attachment to Erin's ex-boyfriend, especially since she tells me the two are not going out anymore. I see Erin sad, and although part of me really doesn't care, I do sometimes wish there was something I could do that would prove my friendship to her, and make her happy.

Then there is the case of my somewhat-arrogant CMAT friend Joni. For months we have endured this boring class together, and we had become allies in avoiding ennui. However, I always had the sneaking suspicion, despite all her nice qualities, that Joni still thought of me no differently than the other two-bit kids in the class. In other words, I was a novelty, not to associate with she and her other friends outside of that class. I steeled myself for this slowly, and I am glad I did. A friend of hers from another class has decided to make daily visitations, and since then, she is more than happy to chat with her REAL friend than a mild diversion like myself. But since I was prepared, it isn't so bad to lose someone who could have been a fast friend. Still, a part of me cannot help but be upset. Oh well.
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Time to Rag on People [Feb. 9th, 2007|08:16 pm]
[music |The scrambling neurons of my brain]

Well I did not run into that little wench Elizabeth since that day at Cheddar's. Lucky for her; next time we meet, she and I might be alone, and that would be disastrous for her. Unless she accepts my terms of surrender. Then again, I must take into account our two towns are at "war."

I think sleeping slightly over six hours a night is making me cranky. So I feel like talking about girls. And I plan to be as peevish as possible about it. Mark my words, a few girls I have met over the years have been great pals, and maybe one will turn out to be my only true romantic interest. However, I have "befriended" quite a few skanks, wenches, bitches, and hypocrites.

There are differences between them. Some don't even fall into any one of those categories exactly. So I will just rattle off the list of characteristics that I absolutely despise. First, I hate those shallow, vain-glorious girls; they are attractive, but it is only on the outside. Sometimes, even this is not true. Their painted faces and sunken in eyes belie the truth about their personalities, which envelop rings of gossip, prissy, Puritanical behavior, and secret that they are no angels.

But I also despise those underage, party-hardy, blunt-smoking chicks. You know; 18 and under, thinking they are so cool because they go to college parties and get completely wasted or smoke like chimneys. Then they get all pissed off when people call them low-class because they can't take the truth. Some are pretty skanky and low-class to begin with, so I dismiss them easily. But there are some of them that are either rather smart, kind of pretty, or supposedly religious. I hate them the most, because they are as much hypocrites as the shallow girls. Come on; if you are so smart, ace the SAT, and plan to live a life of leisure, how are you going to do that if your favorite weekend activity is to get as drunk or as stoned as possible? How fucking idiotic. And the ones who are supposedly "religious" are even worse. Hmm, those that are Christian seem to recall a certain way of life that was dictated in a certain book, like the Bible? I don't think having a obscenity-laced vocabulary, having pre-marital sex with multiple partners, and getting drunk on an almost daily basis make one a candidate for Heaven. And the funny thing is, I'm agnostic, and I don't do any of this crap. Hmm, a non-believer who exemplifies the beliefs of Christians better than they themselves can? How deliciously ironic.

Then there are some girls that are nice, smart, and funny, and would seem to make good friends, but they are flawed by society. They are always looking for the next best thing, always busy, and always trying to find something better in their lives of self-imposed duty. And then they talk shit like, "Guys are soooo stupid" and "Oh, that guy there is sooo hot. Let me tell you how hot I think he is in your presence so I might suggest that you are boring and in no way interest me." The girls that stop talking to you after getting boyfriends fall into this category, too. Not to mention the ones that say they would love to hang out with you and end up never wanting to. Or, merely avoid having any dealings with you outside a certain social situation.

How does this relate to me? Well, it breaks down like this: I'm too low-class, ugly, and boring for the pretty, shallow, intelligent, or funny girls. And I am supposedly too proper, educated, and high-class for the dumb wenches. So what kind of girl do I turn to, presuming I like to meet girls that tolerate all religions, don't drink or do dangerous drugs, and are attractive? No group will have me. Throw in the fact that I am a half-breed, and I have a lot of things going aganist me. And I guess this is why I also like Allison, because she is none of these (to my knowledge). Yes, she is a devout Christian, but she is actually TRUE to it without cramming her faith down other people's throats. As such, she doesn't do the incredibly stupid acts of ingesting drugs or getting wasted on "pussy pop." And she is attractive. MOST attractive. Plus, she knows I am agnostic, has looked beyond that to the person I really am, and even accepts me as one of her better guy friends. This a big achievement for me, judging my type of person would not ever seem likely to draw the attention of such a wonderfully elite lady. I like Allison because I admire all she stands for in this era of degredation of women by women.

And that's all I have to say today.
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